Warning it is a long oneI have gone back and forth on posting this...here it goes 
The overpowering cloud of doom and gloom, yep I have been sucked in. A constant battle of tug of war with the mental dialogue.
Only happy thoughts, you must stay positiveDon't be a fool WTF is positiveReview the year there was some goodYea but what is tipping the scalesWell Mr. Mental Dialogue I will tell you what is tipping the scales!
Little H that's what!
My lime loving, quick witted, big heart little man!
He was my white headed baby that wanted to be like his big brother. He would never accept any treat or gift if big brother was not getting one as well. This child has always brought so much joy to me.
The end of the marriage between his father and I was extremely hard on Little H. Not because of the split or separate homes, but because of the lies he was being told. This child was being pumped full of falsehoods that had him believing I was the worst human possible. It was a living hell that first year. He was nine years old, hated his mother, started self mutilating, acting out in school, argued with anyone that wanted to help. The living arrangements at that time were one week with me, one week with his father. And every week he was with me all I heard was how he hated me, wanted to stay with his dad full time and every other negative comment his father spewed. I held strong and would not let him leave even when there were nights of screaming and pleading to let him go back to his dads. The reason why...I knew this had to pass and I knew the lies would come out. I never wanted my child to have a memory of mom giving up! My parents never gave up on me and by god come hell or high water I would not give up on mine. Now to further explain the severity of the situation after 8 months of living like this I received a call from the school. The principal, the school counselor (the one his father requested to council H) and one of his teachers wanted to meet with me. The upshot of the meeting was the offer of a program to help H with the anger and self mutilation. I was told that they have never encountered a child that was so "Brain Washed" by a parent (that parent was not me).
Slowly things started to improve in my home with H, but slowly things were becoming worst at his fathers. The lies were coming to light (not by me), the broken promises were becoming more and more hurtful. Super Dad was gone and the person I left is was coming to light. Ever since mid year of 06 H has wanted to live with me full time but his father would not allow it. Last year March 17th, 2008 that changed, what transpired was ugly and difficult.
On the 14th of March 08 his father had a conference with H's teachers. I had no knowledge and was not invited. The father had never been to any of the other meetings thru the years but because one teacher that clashed with H decided to call "Father" instead of me. H was not completing homework or classwork and was being disrespectful to her (now I could go on and on about the things this person said to my child ex. he was worthless and would probably end up in jail). H was a 12 year old child and when he bombarded with negative he shuts down so needless to say yea he was not participating in her class at all. His actions were not correct but there are positive ways to deal with it. Anyway what H received from the meeting his father had was threats of the physical kind and mental abuse. My child was feeling extremely lost and he acted out as a result. Now on that faithful Monday morning H's life changed because of a stupid decision he made. I was at work, H and Little M were waiting on their father to pick them up for a dentist appointment. During this down time H made his biggest mistake of yet. I am not going to go into many of those detail due to the humiliation and regret he feels. Regardless what transpired in the two hours after he did not deserve.
While at the dentist his father received a call from the school police officer regarding H actions. The "father" over reacted physically toward H, basically hit him like he was a man and not just once. I received a call at work from a whispering H, all I can understand is "Mom, I messed up big time, I am so sorry Mom I messed up" I figure out that he is at the dentist office and told him to sit tight I was on my way. There are a few frantic calls between us before I got there, I was understanding better what had happened. I made it in time for H and I to have a few moments alone and then his dad walks out. Have to say it was a lovely surprised look on his face.
We spent the next few hours at the school with the "father" and the school police officer. I will say that the police officer was understanding about what H did and that it was just a stupid mistake. But regardless laws are laws and school rules are school rules. After getting back home H told me "I can't go back to dads" and I told him you don't have to. I took a few photos of his face for backup and made the fateful call. Have to say I was quite impressed with my calmness earlier that day and on the phone. See you have to understand that even to this day there is an overwhelming fear that takes over me when I have to communicate with this man. But I held my ground that day, in a very calm and even voice I informed him that H would not be coming back to live with him again. If H wanted to visit him then ok but he would be living with me full time. Now of course this did not go over well the "father" preceded to argue, I cut him off and asked "so you are going to fight me on this?" his response was yes and I told me ok that's all I need to know. As I was about to end the phone call the "father" asked me the following (now pay attention to this because it really show his worth) "Are you going to ask or try to get more child support from me?" (OK another interruption in the story...I only get $100.00 per month for H) I laughed at him and said "NO I don't want a thing from you" I was then told and this is a true quote "Fine, you can have him" Click.
A year ago yesterday March 17th one of the best things happened. My son was home for good. Now the past year has not been easy, H has had a lot of punishments to be dealt with ranging from months of no phone, computer, cleaning dishes, washing baseboards and so many other delightful ideas I came up with. He has also had to deal with the legal system a juvenile record and 100 hours of community service and the school system expelled for 365 days. H has dealt with it all, completing the home study program and passing last year even though he was out of class for 3 months. Completing a community involvement program that met the community service hours and gave him class room credit for this school year. He did it all without complaint he faced his consequences like a man and came out on top. He has learned some very valuable life lessons and he has learned that he is my heart.
So there Mr. Mental Dialogue the relationship I have with my son tips the scale to the positive!
Coldplay's "Yellow" always comes to mind.
Does the Izz want a walk? 
Little M has taken a huge interest in the extra camera I have. Since turning 10 I have let her have the freedom of unlimited use with camera. She has asked a lot of questions regarding the setting and has been firing away with shots of everything and anything. She told me this past weekend "Look Mommy I am like you". One of her sweeter moments :)
We hit the park and just messed around. Opened the house up and enjoyed the warmth.
Of course Fritz was all about the grass or lack of.
This was as far as he would venture...stood at the door and meowed but never did come all the way out.
Guess it was just to much open space with the sky and all :).
As I looked out the window this morning this is what I saw...pretty? yep? but crap its Monday my day for running errands...drivers are crazy here in the south when there is a little bit of white stuff.
By 1:00 it was just a wet slush.
You can see the tip of the umbrella, I am waiting for the warmth to return. We were just on the patio grilling out a weekend or two ago!
I guess we got a couple of inches which is big stuff down here.
